The reality of it all

This is my new blog, the one where I will document my journey through this new life of mine. And of my children.

Let me start with a little intro of myself.

I am a single mom to a large family.

I am a domestic violence survivor.

I am a cancer survivor.

I am a business owner.

I am a homeschooling mom.

I am a runner. And I do mean runner in every sense of the word.

I am a reader.

I am a cook and a pastry chef.

I am a taxi driver.

I am so much more. I feel like everyday in this new life is bringing me more and more. Most of it is centered around my children, as it should be for this period of my life. I am loving it and I feel no resentment for the amount of time and effort I spend on my kids. And money, obviously, lol.

I feel so lucky to be here, alive and well. And seeing my babies grow up.

But things are not as easy as I want them to be. I have endured many hardships. I have been broken so many times. Reality is, life is not easy but it is worth living. Just keep in mind that there IS light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you.

My book list

I have decided that buying myself new books was a good thing and not wasted money. I love reading and I want new books. So, I started putting together a list of all my favorite authors along with the books I do not have for each. Ok, very long list, lol.

Keeping it simple for now; John Grisham, Cassandra Clare, Juliette Benzoni, Agatha Christie, Alexandre Dumas, J.K. Rawlings, Madeleine Wickam/Sophie Kinsella.

I am missing many books  of John Grisham, half a dozen of Cassandra Clare, several dozens from Juliette Benzoni, ...

I am going to have so much fun reading and re-reading some of those books. Some I only read once in high school.

I have purged my bedroom library and took out the books that I really do not enjoy reading. I am taking them to the used book store tonight, hoping to exchange them for the last few of Alexandre Dumas.

Reading, one of life's many pleasures.

The past few days

I have had some misfortunes lately. Nothing big, just frustrating. My internet wire broke and I had to wait a few days for the repair guy to come over. Once he did, the wire for my laptop cought on fire and that was that. I called to see how a new one would cost and WOW, 100$ plus taxes !!!! Yeah, forget about that. I will wait a few weeks then buy a new, smaller laptop. The old one, I offered it to the kids. DD#1 & DS#1 have come together to do  the work and share the laptop. I think this is a really great idea, them working together then sharing the laptop. I am going to find a used charger wire for them. I know I could find one for myself but I need to move on from that laptop. I really need a new one, much smaller, less heavy too. I have another surgery coming up so every pound counts.

I have DS#2 home sick today. The same hard, dry cough as his older brother. Youngest two boys are also coughing but they are not doing too badly. If they can still play and fight, they are doing just fine :) DD#2 is also coughing but she would have to be close to dying to miss gym comp. DD#1 is having lunch, dinner and spending the evening with the best friend and her family. The best part is that they offered to bring her back home. I told her she would miss bbq roasted chicken and Spiderman potatoes and maple glazed carrots but she answered back with enough leftovers for tomorrow's school lunch. Yeah, still doubling recipes for the next day's school lunch since I am not done with the renos. Kids are loving it. Yesterday, I made a cheese meatloaf with pilaf rice. Well, once everyone had eaten dinner and prepared their lunch for the next day, there were no leftovers. I love having meatloaf sandwiches the next day. Instead, I am making a vegetable cream soup since DS#2 has a sore throat. I did say I would also prepare a coconut cake for dessert tonight. We will see how tired I am later on.

I have been working on the last touches on my bedroom. I am so happy with the result. I love how nice and peaceful and bright it looks now. Andit has done wonders for my mood. I know this is not all due to the new coat of paint but it sure helps. I am still feeling much better. More positive too. I feel like my life is getting back on track, one day at a time, one home improvement at a time. I am still waking up at 2am and not able to fall back asleep before 6am. I do not get up, I just stay in bed, trying to empty my mind of its clutter. I find that it helps, I see things in a new light, and I see how it went wrong and that I do have a long road ahead of me. I am not discouraged because I know that, right now, every step is taken forward.

During one of those nights, I realized the bad relationship I had with food. Hearing people talk, reading articles, seeing pictures, all of that has contributed to that bad Relationship. Food is not bad, taken in moderate portions. I had all these thoughts about how this was now a bad choice or that would end up killing me. Enough already !!! Using margarine in my cookie recipe may not be as good as using butter but if it helps me save a few $$ while provinding a nice snack for my kids, then I am good with it. If eating meat instead of being vegetarian helps my kids and I stocked on proteins, then good again. If I want to eat a bags of chips while reading a book, nothing wrong with that. As long as I do not go back to a bag a night. I have eaten one bag so far this week and I have not allowed myself to feel guilty about it.

I am not letting myself feel guilty over everything anymore. I am not superwoman, nor am I supermom or rich mom. I am a mom, I am a woman that is raising her large family on her own. And I feel unbelievably Lucky to be able to do all that I actually do. My kids are also very Lucky. And they know it.

Monday

It kind of worries me how good I am feeling right now. I cannot and do not believe that admitting that I am depressed was what was needed to get over it. It seems too simple, too easy. But I feel so much better since I did. It makes me wonder, could it be that easy ? Like admitting something means letting go of the guilt, the anger, the pain. That easy ?

I am going to stop obsessing about it and just enjoy this beautiful but cold day. Most of the kids are in school right now. DS#1 is home, he has a nasty cold. His cough is horrible and he only wants to eat warm meals. I am going to have him work on his math skills in between resting. DS#4 sure is happy to have his biggest brother home, even though he has started coughing also. Ah,the joys of a large family, we feel the need to share everything, especially the sick bugs :p

I have big plans for today, even if I keep telling myself to keep it simple. Besides the usual, I want to wash, cut and freeze peppers. I want to prepare a big pot of spaghetti sauce (dinner !!), a banana cake, some banana muffins, and banana pancakes (lots of bananas to use up), maybe some peach muffins also. I guess I bought too much fruits. Which is fine, what the kids do not eat, I end up using in recipes. So, no waste.

I have some phone calls to make, like an appointment at the dentist for myself, calling the specialist about DS#3, calling my lawyer, ... And I want to do more renos around the house. I need to get the kitchen back in order, and that includes the dining room. A little bit of paint, sanding & painting the recipe book bookcase, throwing out the old fridge and installing the *new* one, cutting and installing the things around the windows and doors, installing the curtains, the painting, the dish cabinet, ... Maybe I can separate this in five days so it does not seem like too much. A little everyday, with giving myself plenty of time to rest, read, write and exercise. And spend quality time with my little one. My last baby at home. His last year at home. My last year as a stay at home mom.

Today's recipes: Beef Stew & Banana and Yogourt Bread

In the hopes of starting to get back to a more normal life, I have decided to get back to what makes me happy. Cooking and baking are on the list for today.

I prepared a double recipe of beef stew, which makes enough for one meal plus tomorrow's lunch for the kids at school.

Beef Stew

2lbs beef cubes
1/4 cup beef bouillon powder
1/4 cup beef gravy powder
4 red potatoes, in cubes
2 onions, in cubes
4 garlic cloves, minced
2 celery ribs, sliced
2 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
parsley, oregano, ground pepper to taste

Combine everything into a pot, cook at 350* for 3 hours. This recipe is so simple to double or triple and everyone loves it. Well, except ds#2 who refuses to eat much beef but he does eat the vegetables. Sometimes, I add frozen peas and corn to it, more garlic, or even some noodles. I always prepare a couple loaves of French baguettes or English muffins with this, it goes so well with the gravy.

Banana & Yogourt Bread

2 bananas, mashed
4 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 cup vanilla yogourt
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup white sugar
1/4 brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 cup flour

Pre-heat oven to 350*. Mix together bananas, vegetable oil, yogourt, eggs and vanilla extract. Mix well. Add the rest of the ingredients. Pour in a greased bread pan and bake for 45 minutes. Once baked, the cake stays very moist. Adding some butter to it makes every bite even more delicious.

Reading

I love to read. Like I said before, reading was my number one thing to do while growing up. I have read more books than I can count. Many several times.

I finished The Broker by John Grisham

 and started another by the same author tonight: The Summons

 

I love his books. I love the way he writes. I only buy books at the liquidation center, in garage sales or at thrift stores so I do not own many of his. I only have five and I am re-reading them all this week :)

 

 

 

I do believe this to be true. Like I believe that no one reads the same book the same way. We all have an image of the story going on in our head and we each have a different way of reading the book. It is truly amazing what a book can bring to someone. In my case, it brought escape and a safe place to live in while growing up. It provided a distraction later on and now, it provides a rock on which to lean on while swimming in these dark waters. Most of all, it creates beautiful memories to my children while I read to them.

What makes me happy

I have been thinking about what makes me happy and how to make that a part of my life a lot more. Here is a list, still a work in progress:

My kids - Obviously !

Reading - #1 thing while growing up. I had very little to be happy about while growing up. Reading was my escape, a way to live in another world. At one time, I was reading a book a day, 4-5 during the weekend.

Writing - I have always liked writing. I guess I am already working on that one, on here.

Walking - I cannot remember a time I was not walking. I do remember a time where I was walking morning and evening. Children walking/running around the stroller, little on sleeping, me watching them laugh, find bugs, look at the cows. Happy with my children.

Exercising - I used to have a home gym. Then, the boys started growing up and the fighting began. It was easier to put away the home gym and have two youngest boys share that room and have the oldest two boys each have theirs.

Running - Running makes me feel so powerful, like nothing in the world is stronger than I am.

Photography - Taking pictures is magical, it lets me capture a moment for eternity. I used to take hundreds of pictures a month. At least.

Cooking and baking - Having a house smell so good and all kinds of snacks and meals ready for my kids is what makes me feel like a great mom to them. Cooking and baking are something we share. Each child can chose a few recipes that we will prepare together during the week.

Travelling - I love going to new places, seeing new sights, finding little corners of paradise.

Waking up early in the morning and watching the sun rise. Or walking while the sun sets.

So much makes me happy. Because of a very difficult and unhappy childhood, I know how fragile everything is so it actually takes very little to make me happy. I appreciate the littlests things in life. I see wonders where others see nothing.

I think one of the reasons it took me so long to realize that I was depressed was because I was still smiling and laughing in between the tears. Alright, not really tears because I very rarely cry.

I very rarely cry. Why is that ? Because it makes me feel weak. No one must know that I am weak. So, I hide it all.