My book list

I have decided that buying myself new books was a good thing and not wasted money. I love reading and I want new books. So, I started putting together a list of all my favorite authors along with the books I do not have for each. Ok, very long list, lol.

Keeping it simple for now; John Grisham, Cassandra Clare, Juliette Benzoni, Agatha Christie, Alexandre Dumas, J.K. Rawlings, Madeleine Wickam/Sophie Kinsella.

I am missing many books  of John Grisham, half a dozen of Cassandra Clare, several dozens from Juliette Benzoni, ...

I am going to have so much fun reading and re-reading some of those books. Some I only read once in high school.

I have purged my bedroom library and took out the books that I really do not enjoy reading. I am taking them to the used book store tonight, hoping to exchange them for the last few of Alexandre Dumas.

Reading, one of life's many pleasures.

The past few days

I have had some misfortunes lately. Nothing big, just frustrating. My internet wire broke and I had to wait a few days for the repair guy to come over. Once he did, the wire for my laptop cought on fire and that was that. I called to see how a new one would cost and WOW, 100$ plus taxes !!!! Yeah, forget about that. I will wait a few weeks then buy a new, smaller laptop. The old one, I offered it to the kids. DD#1 & DS#1 have come together to do  the work and share the laptop. I think this is a really great idea, them working together then sharing the laptop. I am going to find a used charger wire for them. I know I could find one for myself but I need to move on from that laptop. I really need a new one, much smaller, less heavy too. I have another surgery coming up so every pound counts.

I have DS#2 home sick today. The same hard, dry cough as his older brother. Youngest two boys are also coughing but they are not doing too badly. If they can still play and fight, they are doing just fine :) DD#2 is also coughing but she would have to be close to dying to miss gym comp. DD#1 is having lunch, dinner and spending the evening with the best friend and her family. The best part is that they offered to bring her back home. I told her she would miss bbq roasted chicken and Spiderman potatoes and maple glazed carrots but she answered back with enough leftovers for tomorrow's school lunch. Yeah, still doubling recipes for the next day's school lunch since I am not done with the renos. Kids are loving it. Yesterday, I made a cheese meatloaf with pilaf rice. Well, once everyone had eaten dinner and prepared their lunch for the next day, there were no leftovers. I love having meatloaf sandwiches the next day. Instead, I am making a vegetable cream soup since DS#2 has a sore throat. I did say I would also prepare a coconut cake for dessert tonight. We will see how tired I am later on.

I have been working on the last touches on my bedroom. I am so happy with the result. I love how nice and peaceful and bright it looks now. Andit has done wonders for my mood. I know this is not all due to the new coat of paint but it sure helps. I am still feeling much better. More positive too. I feel like my life is getting back on track, one day at a time, one home improvement at a time. I am still waking up at 2am and not able to fall back asleep before 6am. I do not get up, I just stay in bed, trying to empty my mind of its clutter. I find that it helps, I see things in a new light, and I see how it went wrong and that I do have a long road ahead of me. I am not discouraged because I know that, right now, every step is taken forward.

During one of those nights, I realized the bad relationship I had with food. Hearing people talk, reading articles, seeing pictures, all of that has contributed to that bad Relationship. Food is not bad, taken in moderate portions. I had all these thoughts about how this was now a bad choice or that would end up killing me. Enough already !!! Using margarine in my cookie recipe may not be as good as using butter but if it helps me save a few $$ while provinding a nice snack for my kids, then I am good with it. If eating meat instead of being vegetarian helps my kids and I stocked on proteins, then good again. If I want to eat a bags of chips while reading a book, nothing wrong with that. As long as I do not go back to a bag a night. I have eaten one bag so far this week and I have not allowed myself to feel guilty about it.

I am not letting myself feel guilty over everything anymore. I am not superwoman, nor am I supermom or rich mom. I am a mom, I am a woman that is raising her large family on her own. And I feel unbelievably Lucky to be able to do all that I actually do. My kids are also very Lucky. And they know it.

Monday

It kind of worries me how good I am feeling right now. I cannot and do not believe that admitting that I am depressed was what was needed to get over it. It seems too simple, too easy. But I feel so much better since I did. It makes me wonder, could it be that easy ? Like admitting something means letting go of the guilt, the anger, the pain. That easy ?

I am going to stop obsessing about it and just enjoy this beautiful but cold day. Most of the kids are in school right now. DS#1 is home, he has a nasty cold. His cough is horrible and he only wants to eat warm meals. I am going to have him work on his math skills in between resting. DS#4 sure is happy to have his biggest brother home, even though he has started coughing also. Ah,the joys of a large family, we feel the need to share everything, especially the sick bugs :p

I have big plans for today, even if I keep telling myself to keep it simple. Besides the usual, I want to wash, cut and freeze peppers. I want to prepare a big pot of spaghetti sauce (dinner !!), a banana cake, some banana muffins, and banana pancakes (lots of bananas to use up), maybe some peach muffins also. I guess I bought too much fruits. Which is fine, what the kids do not eat, I end up using in recipes. So, no waste.

I have some phone calls to make, like an appointment at the dentist for myself, calling the specialist about DS#3, calling my lawyer, ... And I want to do more renos around the house. I need to get the kitchen back in order, and that includes the dining room. A little bit of paint, sanding & painting the recipe book bookcase, throwing out the old fridge and installing the *new* one, cutting and installing the things around the windows and doors, installing the curtains, the painting, the dish cabinet, ... Maybe I can separate this in five days so it does not seem like too much. A little everyday, with giving myself plenty of time to rest, read, write and exercise. And spend quality time with my little one. My last baby at home. His last year at home. My last year as a stay at home mom.

Today's recipes: Beef Stew & Banana and Yogourt Bread

In the hopes of starting to get back to a more normal life, I have decided to get back to what makes me happy. Cooking and baking are on the list for today.

I prepared a double recipe of beef stew, which makes enough for one meal plus tomorrow's lunch for the kids at school.

Beef Stew

2lbs beef cubes
1/4 cup beef bouillon powder
1/4 cup beef gravy powder
4 red potatoes, in cubes
2 onions, in cubes
4 garlic cloves, minced
2 celery ribs, sliced
2 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
parsley, oregano, ground pepper to taste

Combine everything into a pot, cook at 350* for 3 hours. This recipe is so simple to double or triple and everyone loves it. Well, except ds#2 who refuses to eat much beef but he does eat the vegetables. Sometimes, I add frozen peas and corn to it, more garlic, or even some noodles. I always prepare a couple loaves of French baguettes or English muffins with this, it goes so well with the gravy.

Banana & Yogourt Bread

2 bananas, mashed
4 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 cup vanilla yogourt
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup white sugar
1/4 brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 cup flour

Pre-heat oven to 350*. Mix together bananas, vegetable oil, yogourt, eggs and vanilla extract. Mix well. Add the rest of the ingredients. Pour in a greased bread pan and bake for 45 minutes. Once baked, the cake stays very moist. Adding some butter to it makes every bite even more delicious.

Reading

I love to read. Like I said before, reading was my number one thing to do while growing up. I have read more books than I can count. Many several times.

I finished The Broker by John Grisham

 and started another by the same author tonight: The Summons

 

I love his books. I love the way he writes. I only buy books at the liquidation center, in garage sales or at thrift stores so I do not own many of his. I only have five and I am re-reading them all this week :)

 

 

 

I do believe this to be true. Like I believe that no one reads the same book the same way. We all have an image of the story going on in our head and we each have a different way of reading the book. It is truly amazing what a book can bring to someone. In my case, it brought escape and a safe place to live in while growing up. It provided a distraction later on and now, it provides a rock on which to lean on while swimming in these dark waters. Most of all, it creates beautiful memories to my children while I read to them.

What makes me happy

I have been thinking about what makes me happy and how to make that a part of my life a lot more. Here is a list, still a work in progress:

My kids - Obviously !

Reading - #1 thing while growing up. I had very little to be happy about while growing up. Reading was my escape, a way to live in another world. At one time, I was reading a book a day, 4-5 during the weekend.

Writing - I have always liked writing. I guess I am already working on that one, on here.

Walking - I cannot remember a time I was not walking. I do remember a time where I was walking morning and evening. Children walking/running around the stroller, little on sleeping, me watching them laugh, find bugs, look at the cows. Happy with my children.

Exercising - I used to have a home gym. Then, the boys started growing up and the fighting began. It was easier to put away the home gym and have two youngest boys share that room and have the oldest two boys each have theirs.

Running - Running makes me feel so powerful, like nothing in the world is stronger than I am.

Photography - Taking pictures is magical, it lets me capture a moment for eternity. I used to take hundreds of pictures a month. At least.

Cooking and baking - Having a house smell so good and all kinds of snacks and meals ready for my kids is what makes me feel like a great mom to them. Cooking and baking are something we share. Each child can chose a few recipes that we will prepare together during the week.

Travelling - I love going to new places, seeing new sights, finding little corners of paradise.

Waking up early in the morning and watching the sun rise. Or walking while the sun sets.

So much makes me happy. Because of a very difficult and unhappy childhood, I know how fragile everything is so it actually takes very little to make me happy. I appreciate the littlests things in life. I see wonders where others see nothing.

I think one of the reasons it took me so long to realize that I was depressed was because I was still smiling and laughing in between the tears. Alright, not really tears because I very rarely cry.

I very rarely cry. Why is that ? Because it makes me feel weak. No one must know that I am weak. So, I hide it all.

This morning

I feel so much better this morning. I guess admitting depression was a step in the right direction. I am still close to tears, I am still full of doubts and, most of all, so angry at myself. How could I let my life become such a waste ? I love my kids. I adore them. They are the only positive, the only right thing I have ever done in my life. And that makes me realize that I need more. I need to rebuild my life, make it about more than my kids. Because, one day, they will grow up and leave. I need to build myself a new, bigger, more fullfilled life. And I need to start doing it now.

I know not everyday will be good and I will not, just like that, feel better all the time. No, it will be hard and I will still get days where I want to do nothing but lay in bed all day, holding back the tears.

Raising a pre-teen and two teenagers is harder than raising my little ones. Right now, my pre-teen is the worse. And I know from experience that it is only the beginning. I also know that things will get easier as he grows older. I am just finding it hard right now, because I am alone in raising them. No support form their father at all. I wish I had someone there beisde me, helping me support the load of raising a large family. On one hand, I find it so amazing all that I can do by myself, that those kids are mine to raise, to watch grow up. But I also find it hard. Because when they get angry, I get the full load of crap in the face. And kids do not realize how much their words cut deep.

I know my words hurt them too. And I try so hard to distance myself from them when I get angry. but they do not understand, they keep pushing. They want to keep talking, they want to keep being angry. I ask them to let me cool down, leave me alone for a few minutes but that is something I have never, ever been able to make them understand. It is made harder by the fact that there is no door to close my bedroom. I need to learn how to build a door frame, cut a door, install a door, install a lock and close the door. I do not want to hurt my kids with my angry words. Because hurting them only hurts me even more.

Me

I have been trying so hard to keep going, ignore the pain, the constant crap from ex and his family, the never-ending renos needing to be done, everything.

I am finally breaking down. Truly breaking down. And I admit, I am in depression. And I have been for a very long time. I simply never wanted to admit it. Not in my nature, I would answer people when asked about it, because of everything I have had to deal with. I guess someone should have pushed a little harder. I guess that shows how little people actually care about me. And I guess that shows one aspect I have to work at.

I am done with all those plans. I am going to start simple. I am going to do something that will fight off the depression and will make me feel good. I will exercise. Not to lose weight, not to get back in shape but to feel better.

I am having so much trouble with this. Everytime I think I am rid of ex and his dirty tricks, he comes back with more. How can I rebuild my life if he is constantly pulling the rug from under me ? I keep thinking that these is something wrong with me for him to keep trying to destroy me but I know this is not right. His actions are not because of me but because of who he is. Still, I wonder...

Ok, keeping things simple. Because court is in less than three weeks, I feel pressed for time. I feel anxious, angry, crumbling down. I need to call my lawyer on Monday and TELL him to push court back a few months. I am not ready to start this again. I need time to be in firmer ground.

Tomorrow, I exercise. Meaning, I walk. Walking makes me feel better, it makes the anxiety go away (while I walk).

All these plans

So, I had all these plans to get back in shape, barely taking into account that I am in the middle of major renovations and I simply cannot do it all. I had to make some choices and I chose the renos. Why ? Because they are more important for my family right now. Living in total chaos is hard and it has been this way for much too long.

So, I got busy, thinking the faster I get them done, the faster I can move on to getting back in shape. Taking into account that painting, moving furniture, plastering, sanding, and so much more is quite physical, I am still somewhat working out.

The past few days, I worked on my bedroom. Painted the walls. Half was done in yellow then I stoped because it just was not the right color. I had some light green so I went with that and it turned out beautiful. Now, the new flooring has been (temporarely) installed, the furniture is back in, bookcases filled, bed make. About a dozen boxes left to empty, hang curtains, wall deco and buy a few things, like a ceiling fan, something to go over my bed and install the o'gees.

After that, all done. Well, beside install the new door and finish the closet, which I need to hire someone to do.

After I am done with this today, I am moving on to the dining room and kitchen. I am giving myself four days to get those two done, along with one section of the yard. I am going to get this done. The entire first and second floor of the house. And the yard. Before winter. I have a month left, in other words.

August 31rst, the first day of my new life

Not even 6am and I am up. Wonder why I cannot really sleep for more than 3-4 hours total. Maybe because I do not exercise enough. A theory I will be putting to the test today :p

Today, I start a new exercise regimen. A hardcore one. One that will bring me exactly where I want to be, in a body that I am happy and proud of (unlike right now). My number one goal is to be able to run in the Great Wall of China in 2017. Until now, I was rarely running, just kept on walking fast, in order to build streight in my legs. Now, I start running, It will be hard and painful and I might not get very far at first but I am going to get it done.

Exercise regimen, 6 times a week:
- run 1km, intervals, total time 30 minutes
- 30 days arms challenge
- 30 days abs challenge
- 30 days squats challenge
- 30 days plank challenge
- 30 days back challenge
- 30 days butt challenge
- 30 days thigh challenge
- 30 days triceps challenge
- 30 days wall sit challenge
- 30 days lunges challenge
- 30 days crunches challenge
- yoga

 

 

I know, I am going to be extremely sore and exausted for a few weeks. I know I am putting a lot of my body but that is how I do things. I am going to try this out for a week and see how I feel. If it ends up being too much (meaning I am so tired, I cannot get anything else done), I will split this up. But, I really do not want to. I want to see results and I want to see them now.

I will also want to use my bike a bit before snow comes (which could very well be in about a month). And I will keep on walking because walking is very important to me. Something I have been doing for years, with and without my kids and that is something I will keep on doing.

Eating habits: Bad. I had what I hope was my last bag of potato chips yesterday. That is my only craving and it is a bad habit that I have had for far too long. It stops now, though. I also need to start eating three meals and three snacks a day, as I once did. Being hungry is what makes me want to eat chips so this is something I absolutely need to avoid.

Breakfast: bowl of mini-wheats, vitamin D supplement
Snack: peach, omega 3 supplement
Lunch: vegetable soup with bruchetta
Snack: veggie & garlic dip, multi vitamin supplement
Dinner: lasagna, ceasar salad, garlic bread, chocolate cake
Before bedtime snack: almonds, probiotics supplement

Now, I do not have a sweet tooth so eating dessert everyday is not something big. I never over indulge. I usually eat a couple of bites then I am done. I always have a child willing to empty my plate though so no waste, lol.

Wonder if I will have the energy to get things done around the house. You know, the usual 10 loads of laundry, dishes, emptying my bedroom, painting my bedroom, painting my bedroom furniture, putting my bedroom back together, installing new curtains in my bedroom. Yeah, theme of the day, bedroom make over. I think this will help me stay more positive and happy. I still have a few things to buy but, if all goes well, it should mostly get done today. I do want to paint a black tree with birds over my bed and hang some pictures of my kids, something like this;

I need to get started, will update hopefully tonight, if I can still move, lol.

Low of the low, one last time

Today has been a low day, meaning it has been hard. Fatigued, in pain, angry, hungry, fighting kids, ...

Today is the last day I am giving into these feelings.

And to fatigue.

And pain.

Fighting kids, well, I hope to always have some of those :p I cannot imagine my life without my kids, they are my heart.

Today, I rest, I read, I eat whatever I want, I forget about everything that is not going too well around here or in my life.

Tomorrow, I start a new life. And my kids will join me in my new train of thoughts.