This morning

I feel so much better this morning. I guess admitting depression was a step in the right direction. I am still close to tears, I am still full of doubts and, most of all, so angry at myself. How could I let my life become such a waste ? I love my kids. I adore them. They are the only positive, the only right thing I have ever done in my life. And that makes me realize that I need more. I need to rebuild my life, make it about more than my kids. Because, one day, they will grow up and leave. I need to build myself a new, bigger, more fullfilled life. And I need to start doing it now.

I know not everyday will be good and I will not, just like that, feel better all the time. No, it will be hard and I will still get days where I want to do nothing but lay in bed all day, holding back the tears.

Raising a pre-teen and two teenagers is harder than raising my little ones. Right now, my pre-teen is the worse. And I know from experience that it is only the beginning. I also know that things will get easier as he grows older. I am just finding it hard right now, because I am alone in raising them. No support form their father at all. I wish I had someone there beisde me, helping me support the load of raising a large family. On one hand, I find it so amazing all that I can do by myself, that those kids are mine to raise, to watch grow up. But I also find it hard. Because when they get angry, I get the full load of crap in the face. And kids do not realize how much their words cut deep.

I know my words hurt them too. And I try so hard to distance myself from them when I get angry. but they do not understand, they keep pushing. They want to keep talking, they want to keep being angry. I ask them to let me cool down, leave me alone for a few minutes but that is something I have never, ever been able to make them understand. It is made harder by the fact that there is no door to close my bedroom. I need to learn how to build a door frame, cut a door, install a door, install a lock and close the door. I do not want to hurt my kids with my angry words. Because hurting them only hurts me even more.